how did you all decide what you were to be, now that you're grown up?

The first occupational aspiration I can recall is wanting to be a flight attendant. They at one time had cuter outfits, they looked so put together, prepared, they were always more awake than I and definitely knew more about what we were doing that day - with all those hand motions and pacing the aisles concerned with every one's safety. At the age of 4 I started flying solo from Boise to Portland to visit my grandparents. Because I was so young, there was always one flight attendant who had special eyes for me, who would give me extra peanuts and a blanket and hold my hand to walk me in and out. These kind red and blue skirt suits probably influenced my desire to be someone in their position. I think a couple years later I learned they also received free flights, which prolonged the goal a couple more years.

Until I knew I was going to be a famous singer. famous was half of the goal, to be singing was the other. My friend Melissa likes to remind me that I am a dreamer and not as much of a realist. I am completely content being a dreamer unless I am predicting my arrival time to some destination. I think my days as a dreamer started the day my mind was set on the foresight of lunch with the Spice Girls being a normal occasion. Or how I justified not being called to missions at summer camp when half of the campers were. I prayed that I would simply give my first paycheck from record sales to the church and when I accepted my Grammy or Oscar (yes we're acting now too) that I would thank God in my acceptance speech and that would be the adequate extent of my missions work. It was that simple. If I had true desire and a goal (check) and an ability that could be trained and constantly improved upon (check) then why couldn't I be one of the ones to make it? I know! Maybe I watched too many motivational children's programs. This was my career goal for years. I hadn't necessarily thought about how I would get to the successful stage and the years of work and connections it would take. Wouldn't someone walk into Nampa, telling me I was exactly what they were looking for, whisking me off to Hollywood? I can't remember a day when this fame was no longer the goal. I think it was that I became passionate and interested and invested in other disciplines that happened to whisk me away themselves.
(I do about once a week dream about being the female secondhand man vocalist in a band, but smoky bars would be venue enough if the music was beautiful and fun for all to dance along to)

I studied the last four years to be a graphic designer. Not once did I waver. I fell into an outstanding learning environment and what I was learning to do with my head and hands just clicked. When designing with creative freedom, (not every detail dictated by the client) I feel like I am using God's gifting, in mind and trained hand. But what has changed, now being separated from the academic art making setting, is that I am not only soaking up every word from teachers and classmates, but instead I am expected to perform these skills to pay to be able to live. I still enjoy being stretched to think of creative solutions, I just don't know if I can even depend on enough design jobs to call that my career. And I haven't even done all the looking that I could. I guess I am re-evaluating, still in love with the idea and the process but I guess the dreamer is trying to be okay with the dream not panning out the exact way she expected- even though the desire is still true.

Today this is what I want to be now that I am supposedly grown up:
- A designer for people who let her think not only "place that shadow-dropped lion exactly, right...there". ( I understand I might have to do more of the latter in order to receive the former)
- An artist. I want to make work because I am given an inspired view that can contribute to those who might see it. And it's so fun! And it wouldn't seem like work. My specific hope with this would be to create greeting cards containing thoughtful, clever messages with nice drawings to compliment.
- A counselor. Being a recipient of counseling myself, I would be honored to receive the training to be able to help people grow in this way.
- A mother. Someday. What a gift that would be.
- A thinker.
- A contributer.
- A person who seeks, who wants to grow, who prays for help and guidance with that, and from that has more to give.

And in a few hours I will be a test taker, a paper writer, a coffee drinker, a talker, a listener, a reader, an Office watcher, an aspiring politically educated person discussing with others (this is getting a little old), and a sleeper (especially after this late night).

How did you decide what/who you were to be, now that you're grown up?

one benefit of high gas prices

is that I don't have to stand outside in the bitter cold dancing, to feel the slightest bit better, as long as I used to when putting $20 into my tank!

Winter decided to break its record this year, snowing last Friday as I drove home from Boise. The snow was pretty to look at in shock through the windshield, but I will never in my life welcome that wind.

The Nampa police force has tried to be sneaky. For the last two weeks they have parked at least 4 unattended vehicles to look as though they are occupied and about to pull out to catch the speeders. Spotting a police car, as trained, makes one slow down- which I guess with enough parked, will reduce some in town speeding. This stops working however, after the second time I pass the empty car, knowing it is there to scare but not punish me. Maybe the cars should change locations daily. Maybe on the 31st they will throw out their tricks and actually have officers behind the wheel, catching me and 60 others.

All that to say, I'm not falling for it and I am not getting another ticket this year. To help this habit I sometimes run into, I have tried the old 'set your car clock ten minutes fast', so that I won't actually have to speed to be on time, I still end up barely making it but I have been thankful for this aid since June, I see no stop in the near future. I have tried leaving places earlier. I have also chosen to believe my psychology teacher who said the speeding, tailgating and passing on the freeway really only gets you there 2 to 3 minutes faster, but makes your whole ride tense and stressful.

I am off to design a map
enjoy breaking in your coats

& there are 3 parked cop cars on 2nd which turns into the boulevard and 1 on iowa avenue headed east after Idaho Pizza. Let me know if you know of any others. thanks!

sure, let's blog

After an incredible summer in the Kansas City area I wouldn't trade for the world, I am back in Idaho. I think it is temporary but am open to opportunity and what prayer leads. I am taking three classes at NNU where I am very blessed to have free education. These classes will better my chances at getting into some masters programs which I hope will be some of my next steps. I am continuing to learn. I want to be taught by our Lord and those around me.



These boys continuously teach me about honesty and growth and trust and love. It was one of the hardest things to leave them and their wonderful parents in Kansas. A long trip away is what I prefer to call it. They gave me a beautiful a summer.

I also joined a genuine, loving community at church and found a home for 40 hours each week at work with my dear friends.


I am now excited to be here at my other home, with other people I love. I am very blessed.
Thanks for giving me time to process everything.

these days

I know so little.
I realize this is the stage one usually finds themselves in after college, but really, I know so very little.
I didn't see this one coming, with all of my effort to know at least some of all.

As you can draw from these words, I do not have much to write about.
I have been praying for God to make some decisions for me.
I am living a blessed life with little direction, but indeed blessed.

I saw 5 red leaves today. Where did the time go?

an aerial view

after being on the airplane for hours today, I wish to make some art about the neat way land is ploted. Even in what seems like the middle of no-where, there are clean lines dividing property and different kinds of growth. It just seems funny to me that the land below from west to mid-west looks consistenly planed and organized,as if one person charted it. The jagged mountains here and there are a nice break. In addition to this tour of land I looked at differently today, I noticed the magnificence of clouds. I remember years ago I was disappointed when the plane could pass through them effortlessly, I had wanted them to be full enough to jump on, but today this became incredible to witness. These cotton candy forms hold this unique shape while also moving. And we can pass through these water droplets without feeling anything! And the angle at which I saw some clouds today was very interesting. I think the side view was my favorite, I could see the almost flat bottom floating with bellowing mashed poatoes atop. I will post the art when it is produced. It was the neatest roller coaster (of love). And I will need a new Riddlers' Revenge anyway now that Magic Mountain is closing.

I was on the airplane today because I went home! I first flew into Seattle and met Tori at the airport. We flew in a couple days early to help and thoroughly enjoy spending time with Claire before her wedding to Nate on Saturday. I was on a healthy-eating break. All the food was fantastic, and more local, well-roasted coffee than you could ask for. We ran wedding errands, visted roommate Kristy selling berries at the Olympia farmers' market, enjoyed the fresh air smelling of pine, loved visiting with the love birds' families, had such a fun bachelorette night on the town including so much dancing the night away, ending at a diner called the Reef. We don't really know why the Reef is called the Reef besides the one fish tank on the back wall, but the twelve of us entered, really wanting pancakes and bacon. After we ordered the chef informed us that from 2-3 breakfast was no longer served, but lunch was. hmmm, fries and a shake it was. The wedding was perfect. really. I will let those two tell you more. I now understand why we have receptions. The people gathered, who all love the bride and groom, want to spend more time together to celebrate the nice engagement that took place, the party can't be over. Well we felt this way even after the reception and spent the last night in Olympia well. I brushed up my new dancing skills once more and finally received my pancakes and bacon from the Reef.

Caleb drove a van full of us drove down to Portland the next day. We visted some friends at a church Chad works at, called Adsideo. On this Sunday there just happened to 25 friends from different times and places who were attending. I was reminded of what a blessing it is to know and be known and to run into people who when you spend time with them, you leave thinking "why can't I be with them more often?"

My mom, sister and I then enjoyed a drive to Nampa, along the Columbia most of the time. At the McDonalds in Baker City, I ran into two people I knew, man was I getting closer to home.

My next two days in Nampa/Boise were wonderful. Truly. Because I have already written a lot, don't have pictures yet and am anxious to get back to a sleeping pattern that consits of more than 2-4 hours, this will be all of my reporting of the trip for tonight.

As you might have guessed after a visit I am confused about what my new home should look like. But while confused I enjoyed a dinner with the beautiful family I have here in Kansas, my other home. And for today felt at peace.

okay okay

(in reference to the previous post)
4 days later and 4 shifts later, I really enjoy my temporary job. And that is probably good, realizing it may have to be more than temporary. I am thankful. The qualities I praised the Boise store for, still stand, but I appreciate the Kansas City store for new reasons. I enjoy many of the people I work with, I now have a grasp on how they run things and this seems small, but I was trained at the cash register! I have practiced scanning items since I was 4 with my fisher price shopping cart, it is my favorite zone to work. I left Nampa and Boise where I routinely interacted with around 10 groups of people, and these ladies at Anthropologie have become a new group, sort of a community- I see them 4-5 times a week. And I am thankful for the familiarity.

I am now at a LatteLand. A local coffee shop around the corner from work. I have had maybe 5 espresso drinks in a whole month, but when lifestyle permits, this will be more regular, now that I found a new flying m. The aesthetics are not the same, I cannot call 5 baristas close friends, and this is not called Jesus-Land, as the Nampa Flying M was sometimes referred to as Jesus-M. I think this nickname came from the heavy protestant/Nazarene/LDS crowd who frequent flying M. I loved this because this meant catching up with a few friends each visit and often times sharing biscotti with my grandparents, but I don't mind the non-Jesus LatteLand one bit. I was actually taught a lesson. Upon my first visit, it looked like the girl making my drink would take a while to warm up to me. I assumed. I was corrected. She was very friendly and asked all about Boise. I assumed someone would be judging me, and really I was the only one judging. The next time I came in, one of the baristas asked "So why did you move here from Utah?" I did correct him, not wanting to be from Utah, but close enough.

Design firms are not really hiring, but I will follow up with all of them this week. I am trying my hardest to be okay with the unknown. And I have the truest blessing of friends I will continue living with until September.

I enjoy hearing from all of you and hope we may all enjoy the end of summer.

you know that dumb song.

the one that fourteen people have covered, "don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you got till it's gone..." (shoo, bop, bop, bop) comes later in Amy Grant's version.

I dislike what this song says because it's implying that we don't appreciate anything while we have it...which I have been guilty of at times. so, for a few years I have tried as much as possible to enjoy every thing in the moment, because as we all know paradise could one day be paved into a parking lot.

And I have no regrets for the soaking up of the treasure valley that took place before I left. But there was one thing I didn't know to prepare myself for. The Boise Anthropologie is run so much better than the Kansas City store! Which, if I was shopping, I could deal with, but I am working, and right now, this is my only work, so the awareness is heightened. I won't complain much longer, but I do want to congratulate the Boise store for the way they run things, the kind, efficient people who work there, the incredible "up to code" status, the cleanliness, the organization & layout, the duties divided, the art team, the relaxed atmosphere that still gets things accomplished, etc... They have got it going on.

And a small portion of that fond memory could be that the store is in fact in Boise, and I keep waiting for my friend and her lovely daughter to walk in, or I think I see my grandma perusing the homewares, then I realize I am in a different place.

Not to worry, I have had some fun at this new store, I just wanted to give Amy Grant, and the actual writer of that song, and the slew of other coverers a tally on their side. This time I didn't know what I had until it was gone.